Relax, Everybody, They Found Casey Kasem

Because the Internet is a strange and fickle place where cats are heroes and babies have eyebrows, everyone became deeply vested in the news that radio legend Casey Kasem was missing despite his current wife (above) hiding him from his family for years now. Except our national nightmare is over because he was found in Washington state after escaping an Indian reservation? Am I reading this right? Holy shit, this story does have everything. People reports:

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Daniel S. Murphy ordered adult protective services and court investigators to try to locate Kasem after an attorney for his wife told the court that the former Top 40 host was no longer in the United States but he did not know where he was.

Kerri Kasem’s attorney Troy Martin said during the hearing that Kasem had been moved to an Indian reservation but was not sure because he had been frequently moved from medical facilities.

“We are grateful to the local authorities for finding my dad,” Kerri Kasem wrote in a statement. “We are one step closer to bringing him home.”

As for how the hell Casey Kasem ended up at an Indian reservation, he currently suffers from a form of dementia called Lewy Body Disease which has afforded his wife Jean Kasem the opportunity to ship him from medical facility to medical facility to land that the government gave Native Americans after killing almost all of them because that’s how we have all of our shit:

Until Monday, Casey Kasem’s wife of 34 years, Jean, had been in control of his medical care and controlled access to him. She has blocked three of Kasem’s children from a previous marriage, including Kerri Kasem, from seeing him in recent months, according to court filings.

Danny Deraney, a spokesman for Kerri Kasem and her siblings, said the family still had “grave concerns” about Casey Kasem’s health.

Jean Kasem’s attorney Craig Marcus argued Monday that his client had the right to move her husband to any facility she saw fit.

When asked if he’d divorce his wife for essentially hoarding his money by shipping him to a Native American shaman instead of a proper care facility so his kids can’t find him, Casey Kasem replied, “Top 40 pudding!” because what they really found is the empty, walking husk of the man his family has known and loved for years because our lives are God’s toilet. Happy Thursday!

Photos: Getty